*…At Your Service…*

Posts tagged “Death

Ritual of Letting Go

“Things aren’t the way they should be.
Things are the way the are.”
~ Unknown

In the Southern Hemisphere, we are fading into the Longest Night.
The Longest Night holds the secrets of the eternal velvet blackness, whose star-speckled truth is often blinded by the activity of the single sun.

But this is Christmas.
And it has a spirit…
An evergreen tree would be brought inside, to remind everyone that not everything dies in Winter.
And we’d all stay warm, together, close, and sharing.
Intimacy: that Invisible Light.
We would return to the Womb of Life, where we all began, for nourishment, “time-out”, and rebirth.
Family.

Any fears we find in the stillness and shadows of that deep inner-space, or that we find obscuring the glittering hope of infinite stars, are projections of our scarred psyche.
Individual, or collective – depending on your reach.

This is the place of dreams.

Or of nightmares.

We colour it, we seed it, like painters.

The Soul Shrinker

The Soul Shrinker
“OK, so not the prettiest card in the deck, but believe it or not, a long time ago, the Soul Shrinker was very beautiful – but every wicked, mean, nasty or unnecessarily critical thing that we humans say, or even think, cause him to become more ugly. Every time we are unconditionally loving and kind, he becomes less ugly. Obviously, we have a long way to go.”
~ Read more: http://faeryforestmagic.blogspot.com.au/2011/05/faery-message-for-saturday-14th-may.html

Look to the changing of the seasons, and look to the moon.
Look to the rising and the setting of the sun.
Feel the Rhythm of Life turning in you.

The Winter Solstice is the deepest in-breath.
HOLD
The day after tomorrow, we breathe out.

So take this time to commune with the Dreamtime, and meet The Alchemist who dwells in the centre of the Earth, whose portals are the caves, and the hollows in the trees.
The one who grinds bones to ashes, to dust, to black oil… hand over your everything and she’ll make you medicine.
This is:
“Crone Lhamo”

 Enter the cave...:http://www.thealchemyofholism.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/61Crone.pdf

Lhamo; Tibetan for “Goddess”
“Do not be satisfied with a superficial approach, look deeper.
Do not fear your own inner knowing.
Crone Lhamo requires total authenticity.
Time to release a lot of baggage you have been carrying for a very long time.
Time to release disease.
Time to cut away all that is no longer needed.
Get down to the basic bones of the situation.
The Crone’s cauldron is just the place to recycle it. She can take it all in her dark brew and just suck all the negativity out of it and turn it into……
Time to release your whole idea of who you are and jump into the unknown. 
And not just the unknown, but a dark and spooky one at that.
Time to re-examine our group projections.
Our projections of good and evil and all those archetypes we take for granted…”

Enter the Cave of Lhamo for Ritual and Medicine…: http://www.thealchemyofholism.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/61Crone.pdf

RITUAL ONE

Create a “List of Loss“.
From Loved Ones
To Dreams
To Values
Valuables
Beliefs
Potential
to saudade…

Sometimes, things are taken from us
Sometimes, we let things go.
Sometimes, we are the ones who take things away…

You may put your List in an envelope, and address it to Crone Lhamo, if you wish.
You can post it in the mail (haha)
Or: you can Light a Fire – a portal to her stash of ashes – and you can deliver it to her Cauldron of Alchemy, that way.

Return it all to the void from which it was born.
Nothing was ever really “yours”
– except you.

Meditate upon this:

1783827

you can change ‘god’ to Lhamo, if you wish. 😉

RITUAL TWO

Assuming you are working with Flame (and not the post office)
Find that flame within you that never dies
That which is you, yours.
That which has never been touched.

Become One with that flame for a while.
Immerse yourself in yourself.
Get to know your true, inextinguishable power.

Gather your strength, and purity.

Imagine it growing bigger and bigger
Consuming your Heart
Consuming your Body
Until you Glow
Let it burn away the outer shell of muck that the world has projected upon you, that has made your Soul Shrink.

Burn
with warmth.

RITUAL THREE

Mantras!
* * * VIBES * * *
If you like them, then:
“Omm”
(feel the “Mm” in the bridge of your nose)
GUMM
GUMM
GUMM
x3

KREEM
KREEM
KREEM
x3

“Omm”

The first one is Ganesh, who unblocks all your chakras and portals and makes you clean and clear – ready for fine-tuning, like the Instrument of Peace and Change that you are.
The second one is Kali Ma, with the Red Tongue. She takes yukky things away.

(*these are phonetic)

RITUAL FOUR

Remember that only what is empty can be filled.
Remember that all the leaves must go, before Spring can bloom.
Remember the acorn that transforms into an oak, only by being completely shattered.
Remember:
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
~ Anais Nin

To remind you of your blooming, work with flowers.
Anoint your Heart with Rose oil or water, or some flower you like.
If you’re lucky enough to have a bath, bathe in it.
Add salt, and Lavender: both dissolve negative energy and cleanse the auric field ~ the colour violet.
If you don’t have a bath, make a magical solution, and anoint yourself with it; from the tip of your head to the tips of your toes.
The temples, behind the ears, between the eyes, down the throat, and keep going…
Remember what it feels like to *~ Bloom ~*
As you touch each space, imagine it bursting open, sloughing off the old, and bursting forth new light…

*~ Bloom ~*

*~ Bloom ~*

RITUAL FIVE

Create a circle.
Out of stones, or cushions, or stand or sit in a hula-hoop.
This is the circle that represents no beginning, and no end; time out of time.
This gives you an idea of boundaries, yet also of our sameness; our personal space, to which we are all entitled.
Allowing only what we want in that space, and filling that circle with our self, our radiance, our expression.
Feel all cords and connections being burned away in the Light of your Radiance and Power, and falling outside the circle, retracting to whom they came from, or seeping into the earth, or withering like a severed umbilical cord.
Letting go of what once nourished you, and tuning into that flame that you are of The Great Bonfire.

This Solstice, there is a Global Prayer happening: essentially, it’s about praying for people who don’t know spirit, to know spirit.
Those who don’t know Spirit, go around stealing energy from others, and consuming everything in their wake.
So sit in your Spirit Circle, let go of any contracts/energy cords to which you were not party.
Any old Soul Contracts – just let go.
You can make new ones; for now, it’s too confusing and chaotic…
Just let it all go.
Become One.
And pray for everyone to know The One.

We are all connected.
Everything matters.

gotham_660

Believe in the power of ordinary people who like to dress up as superheroes.

RITUAL SIX

De-clutter.
Throw out all the dead things; dead flowers, empty packets, used tealight shells, junk mail – anything you can find with dead energy.
Clear your space, and offer it up the trash portal – another secret entrance the the Cave of Lhamo.
So you want to be conscious of waste, and discard it gratefully.
Into the cauldron we go…

RITUAL SEVEN

Clear your Heart

“Stop insisting on clearing your head — clear your fucking heart instead.”
~ Charles Bukowski

Love.
Everyone is in there; some like thorns, some deeper than others, some like an ice-pick, a dagger, or an axe.
People are constantly starting things they don’t finish.
Some find the passcode, unlock the safe, and run away with the jewels…
Some turn your Heart to a Harp, and play it like you’ve never heard it sing before ~ or will again.
And you knock on your chest; no harp, only thuds.

But you know what?
That’s ok.
Clearing the Heart is a big job, but first of all, remember that it’s YOUR Love.
Yours.
No one made you any more or less Loving.
It was you, the whole time.
It’s your Heart, the core of you, and it met people, and it Loved them.

The biggest problem, is that so many people are so disconnected from their Hearts, they weren’t even aware of the conversation it was having with yours.
They’re all up in their head, trying to be in control, and make practical decisions about what they would like in life.
– this is such a big topic, all of its own; I couldn’t possibly cover it in just this section.
The truth is, people don’t know how to be Soul Mates.
They approach relationships like a contract, and usually, LOVE is far from being involved.
There’s a warmth, an attraction, a partnership.
But Soul is usually locked in the safe.
And you *know* a person who has known REAL Love; the two of you could be in Love in an instant, because you both carry it around in your Hearts.
It is the silent smile, shared.
Everyone else just has a résumé, and a compatibility shopping list.
There is one other kind of Love-er: The Warden.

So first of all, we’re going to breathe into the Heart, and feel for any fractures.
We are going to listen, and we are going to talk.
Because the Heart is a Unicorn.
It’s a rare and magical creature with a bio-luminescence all of its own.
It sends out homing signals to those who speak its particular language.
– it doesn’t use English.

So, I can’t really say much more about it; nothing compares to what I could tell you with a hug.
If you want some intensive help to Clear your fucking Heart, then utilise this, and adapt it accordingly: for example, replace ‘mind’, with ‘heart’, and use your thoughts to sort out your feelings.
Feel things.
You could draw a Heart Mandala, and hear what it really has to say, face to face…
Creativity is the fire, that flame of inextinguishable you…

And don’t be mean to your Heart – it’s clearly been through enough.

And keep an eye out for Love-Beams and Unique Superpowers.

And keep an eye out for Love-Beams and Unique Superpowers.

RITUAL EIGHT

Return to Sender
When Love wants to pour forth healing, potential, growth, expansion, and all sorts of untold magic, and the recipient for whom it was intended does not wish to receive it, it’s then that we must return that Love to sender.
Or burn forever with longing, and aim.

Divine Love comes from The Source.
That Bonfire of which we are flames.
Divine Love has plans for us all.

But there is also, free will.
First, Love is a gift.
Second, it is a choice.

So if we can’t let it out, it must go back in…
Commune with your Radiance, and Return unfulfilled Love to Sender.


WHAT WENT WRONG?

Can you find it; that moment?

Can you isolate it?

What went wrong, and when did it happen?

I think I’ve figured it out – for me, at least.

Born from perfection, filled with vision and the essence of myself, and then thrown down here, in the dungeon of human debris, into Kali Ma’s Cremation Ground: you can’t save what does not want to be saved (and before you misinterpret “salvation” – everybody needs saving. There is danger everywhere).

To meet myself (you; the namaste; the humans; the rest of my oneness), and realise its addiction to self-destruction, and attachment to ‘ego’: the temporary life, and temporary identity. Who were you before you were named?
Who were you before you were renamed?

That is why, the so-called “enlightened ones” move away, to remote locations, move away, to mountain tops, move away, to the land of silence and “no-thought”, where they don’t have to listen to any of those nonversations – from their mind, nor the mind of others – nor engage in the false importance of pop music and celebrity politicians: Maya and The Matrix

Which is all fine and good… do whatever you want with your enlightenment, but what happens when the sprawl reaches the peace of the temples and holy lands?

The Burn

The Heart of Thich Quang Duc Remained. It literally did not burn. Superpowers…

Can you abandon reality for your individual peace, and leave the rest of your self (oneness) to its own lessons of awakening, in its own time?

I cannot.
It’s getting darker, here; imbalanced.
I am going down with this ship.

It takes a real saint to stay.

For me, I was born in a city, a sprawling metropolis of consumerism and anonymity; it used to be friendly, and small, but it’s changed. It’s less organic.
And I was born enlightened.
But I didn’t remember until after my Kundalini Rose, and sent me spiralling into others – none who remembered.
Until I found myself reflected in one who did remember.
And we both knew, without a doubt, that there was no more searching to be made.
We had stopped each other in the mirror.

For example, without context, how can anyone know who or what they are?
If I AM a Shaman, how would I know?
Would there even be a word for me?
Would I be labelled by others based on their perceptions of interacting with me?
Or would I have to meet “another myself” and wait for the chemical reaction of recognition and knowing.
If we said exactly the same things, at exactly the same moments, and knew exactly the same things…

But you’ll notice, it’s still not safe to say things like that:”Haha – lol – enlightened?! What an ego!”, “But you don’t look enlightened?  Where is your ceremonial garb? Where are your superpowers?!”
– believe me, I have looked for them.
They included downloading skills and knowledge directly into my self (and this was before I knew what “downloading” was. I knew that school was a waste of time. Slow learning? Pfft)
They included altering my appearance.
They included an impenetrable shield, and serious kung fu.
There was levitation, and healing, and so much more…

And through dangers untold, and hardships unnumbered, I sought to reclaim what I had lost upon entering this new body, and holding sacred all I did remember.

And, of course, it all sounded like science fiction – until I encountered others who remembered. Or others who spoke of such things. That’s when I knew I hadn’t made them up.

The most controversial memory I have, is that when I was born, I knew there was something wrong with reincarnation.
But here, reincarnation is still a debatable topic as it is! We cannot even discuss the concept of it being flawed if it may or may not even exist…
So I had no one to talk to about that – ever – until I heard it spoken by Andrew Bartzis (unclear on his agenda or behaviour), and my favourite Alien, Airl (everything she says makes so much sense that I am forced to believe in her; she is one of the only ones speaking about the secret things I knew). Plus: I believe in me. And I have frighteningly little in common with the majority of people on Earth. I found myself reflected, only, in Alan Watts, and Hindu Teachings. You can read all about me, here.

Alan Watts is a great example of accessible divinity.
Study, Practice, Teaching, Experience, and Enlightenment – while still smoking cigarettes, having a drink, and making babies.
Because he existed in a modern, metropolitan context.

My own favourite, “people’s guru” that I shared the company of, was an ex-heroin junkie, and I’d bring him a pack of cigarettes and a can of coke when I’d visit. He was the holiest one I had ever met.

But there are many cultures, with many great wise people, who were never separated from divinity. From Africa, to Ireland, Scotland, Australia, Aotearoa, and The Amazon.
Separation had not been artificially introduced, and was not a ‘thing’.
There were many temples, and many great wise leaders ~ it was their job, and they were born to be. Just as one was born to be a mother. Or one was born to be a protector, or a Medicine Person. There was, and still is, an ORGANIC order.

One common misconception about enlightenment, is that it only happens to great sages and mystics in India, who worship at the feet of tradition.
Or great Zen Masters, with great discipline, who have silenced the mind and attained ~ *Living Peace*

The majority of, who in these tales, are men.
We know only their ways, journeys, and wisdom.

Being an enlightened female, in history, and in this day and age, is different to being an enlightened male.
Woman is sensuality, embodiment, spontaneity, and aliveness.
She is Dakini or Shakti.
She has many names, and none.
She is not like enlightened men.
His is a mind-control.
Hers is a freedom.

Very few enlightened women are visible in history, and today; and the ones who are, dress plainly to show a detachment from the material world.

But while you are matter, you are material.
One can merge into the ashram, into the group, and dissolve all sense of individuality to be part of the group mind – if you want to.

However, the only FEMALE role-model of enlightenment that we have today, in this modern world, is AMMA.
And what does she do?

amma-2
SHE HUGS! ^_^
She hugs your body.
She hugs you while you are here.
Because: you matter.
And you forgot.

Another common misconception about enlightenment, is COMPARISON.
Comparing Ramana Maharshi to Amma, or Alan Watts to Osho confuses the unique quality of what enlightenment actually is: it’s a revelation, a remembering, a reunion. An Activation. No two teachers – or huggers – alike.
Not all of us are smiling.
Laughing.
Having a great time.
“In Permanant Bliss”

Sometimes, Enlightenment just finds you.
But mostly, it is guided by teachers, gurus, and sages from Hindu or Buddhist traditions. They kept the teachings, while others had theirs burned and murdered.

I was born to be in a Temple – but they were all burned down before I came; I had to come, just to rebuild them. For I am not the only one born for temples… “WE” have come (and were always here) to make Divinity accessible, again. Someone spread some awful rumour that it belonged only to THE Son of “God” -just the one. 😉
Base Humanity can ascend and transcend the limits of the temporary human personality – but you may have noticed that the “Ascension Movement” was hijacked by duality wars, psychic pollution, and mass confusion akin to religious fervour.

My ceremonies have evaporated with my culture, my people, and our teachings – I wear a Uniform of Black; for mourning… or because blackness used to mean something else. I am a lone, here. Alone, all-one. On loan.

Adaptation? I hear that word echoing…
Only if you want to kill things that are different.
Adaptation into an inorganic being, obsessed with its temporary life: Transhumanism.
Neon Robots.
And by “neon”, I mean EGO
Do you really want to live that much?

2000px-Transhumanism_h+.svgBeing that I remember that reincarnation is flawed, I suspect that others remember too. Hence the desire for immortality and transhumanistic thought.

Being that I remember altering my physical form, I suspect others do, too; hence the popularity of plastic surgery, and transhumanistic thought.

But the more I notice, the more I see many mixed agendas on this planet; I see cults of different star systems.
And of course, I don’t mind; it’s exciting… UNLESS IT HURTS ANOTHER.

Death is Wrong!

Death is Wrong!

And people ARE hurting at the hands of some agendas

Once upon a time, we thought like this:
“We do not inherit the Earth from our Ancestors. We borrow it from our children.”

THIS SOLSTICE, which is FOUR DAYS AWAY at the time of printing, Chief Arvol makes a request:

10411770_985444781489590_3242286981988672177_n“Mitakuye Oyasin (all my relations),
On this June 21st, 2015 we as the Spiritual People, from the guidance of Great Spirit, will light our sacred fire of 20 years.

My heart is heavy as I share my feelings with each and every one of you; it feels as though humanity has gone too far. It was shown in a dream long ago, that we would come to a time in this global community, we would have to unite at our Sacred Sites once again to bring back healing. Many Nations would stand shoulder to shoulder in the Sacred Hoop. The future of our children’s health and wellbeing is dependent on our efforts. They need every person’s prayer from the Global Community.

We are sincerely asking prayers for the People that are spiritually disconnected who are making decisions that only last in their life time of survival for profit off Mother Earth. Mother Earth is the source of life not a resource. Many Sacred Sites have been abused and controlled by People who do not know Spirit.

In our prophecies when earth and climate change begins to disrupt the natural cycle of survival and life, the animals would warn with their sacred color white. This will be a sign of what is called the Crossroads; either be faced with chaos, disasters and witness tears from our relatives eyes or we can unite spiritually in this Global Community – All Nations, All Faiths, One Prayer.

We must regain the respect and honor back for the Sacred Sites and Sacred Places of worship. Long ago, wars left these places and people of prayer alone, today they are being destroyed. I know that many People feel the same as I do.

This has been a long journey of many tests and hardship at times. If it were not for the People that believed in spirit of the white animals we would have never come this far. We ran and rode horse back carrying that sacred message for the health and well being of Mother Earth and all her creation. We did our best. I would like to acknowledge all those who heard the call and sponsored the event of June 21st to grow on their continent and honor their local Sacred Site.

This year many will travel again to their sacred places. This year we will honor my Hunka (adopted) Father Dave Chief for instructing RED (Red Earth Descendants) to pray since 1996 at their Sacred Site. I ask the Global community to pray with us, whether it is a church, temple, synagogue, mosque or where ever the spirit may guide to pray with us on this day.

In a sacred hoop of life where there is no ending and beginning,
Onipiktec’a (that we shall live),

Nac’a (Traditional Leader -Chief) Arvol Looking Horse, 19th Generation Keeper of the Sacred White Buffalo Calf Pipe Bundle”

“Do not spare yourself in the work which you must accomplish.” ~ Hazrat Inayat Khan

 Who says I must?
My Divinity.


Namaste
Mitakuye Oyasin
In La’kech

Does “Namaste” mean anything to you?


A WINTER WITH TOM WAITS

I just wrote spontaneous short story, titled:
A Winter With Tom Waits

Due to technical complications, I am unable to share it at this time…

It’s about letting go.

And I’m unsure how much of that I want to share; you know, in great detail.
I mean, how relevant is any of it to you?
Are you letting go of the same things that I am?
Do we even know how to slough off the old self?

I am losing more than just myself.

The Blues

The Blues

Update:
Ok, Here it is. And I did hold back…

A WINTER WITH TOM WAITS

Letting go.

That’s what it’s all about.

I finally found a cave for the winter; I bought a brown-bear-brown mat for my feet to step onto first thing in the morning – they’re shaped like a pair of Bigfoot’s feet; the feet are fawn.

(- pretending to write, pre-internet craze, I avoided using an emoji to indicate a smile… then I thought: “What if I’ve been reading everything wrong, forever…?”

What if I have been reading everything with no smile on the end, where one was intended; forcing every full-stop to a serious end.

For “fawn” makes me smile… but how would you know that?

Speaking of you; have we ever read, with the author assuming we were there? You know, pre-internet – or have we always just been voyeurs?

– suddenly, I’m Carrie Bradshaw; with a never-ending stream of more questions than answers.

So, where was I? O, that’s right; It’s winter, and I’m in my cave.

The walls are a grounding shade of “mushroom” – I despise those shady characters, but I am actually referring to a Revlon shade of eye-shadow that I stole (or felt entitled to) from my mother. Or maybe she gave it to me…? The lines of family are blurry, in that way.

This earthy shade is in the brown family – but it’s not heavy; it hides a secret hue of Lavender, somewhere deep inside… invisible. Enchanted.

I daydream an Art Deco ceiling-rose around the mini-chandelier when I’m lying down, reading the roof.

Before I got back, He put up some heavy curtains. They’re forest-green; they remind me of the woods, of pine trees, of oxygen. Life.

This cave feels enchanted – a string of flower fairy-lights frame one wall; I keep them on forever. Company.

Speaking of enchantment, I’ve seen The Unicorn.

I’m not sure I know what it means, exactly, but it’s an initiation. That I know.

The Unicorn and The Lover came at the same time. A transmission; awakening; activation.

I sent him a short story about that activation; about his, “touching the centre of a sphere”…

The Unicorn brings me New Spirit Medicine, and it joins the ranks of my Spider, Whale, Elephant, and Peacock & Flamingo ~ what a magical team.

I’ve been Houseless for three years, now.

That’s a term I read on the internet, and it makes SO much more sense.

Homelessness is, like, not the thing.

I am Home.

But a House, I have not.

It’s a bigger thing; it’s like, a reflection of the state of Global Slavery. Of the aftermath of genocide. Crazy.

I’m a Temple Priestess -and we know what happened to them.

This cave could have been beautiful… it could have been the place of my letting go.

It could have been the place where I finally have all of my belongings and myself and my bed under the one roof, and I can look through these reflections of who I was, and through letting go, discover who I am, now.

Because since fading, one thing I’ve learned is that the outer charade matters; you know, “If you don’t have a character, you can’t be in the movie!”. It’s supposed to be fun.

(not smiling, here.)

Because I have a lot to let go of… I used to believe in Home. In matching crockery, blankets for everyone, and the warmth that only a “Home” can provide.

Wall Art, for gods sake.

Being Houseless is like an endless winter… and what do we crave in winter…?

Tom Waits.

He reminds me of Christmas. Which is strange, because where I live, Christmas is in Summer.

But Tom reminds me of a Winter Wonderland – it must be his voice. Obviously – singer – but it feels connected to his Heart… and isn’t that where “Home” is?

– ugh, Carrie.

If I was listening to the radio, they’d be talking about talking-about World War III.

What is the romance of war? That tragedy finally brings people together?

That it takes death to really Love?

Does Life become complacent?

I’m ambiguous about it, really… something’s gotta give.

It is only the Global Slavery System that seeks to orchestrate a war; people don’t really want it. People, generally, are sweet…

(I smile, fondly)

I have a lot of letting go to do if I want to get to where I want to be; to who I want to be.

“Hold On, Baby gotta hold on. Take my hand.

I’m standing right here, you gotta hold on.”

Ok, Tom.

I will.

(I am neither smiling nor not-smiling.)

– see how he waits?!

So what is it that I am skirting around?

What is it that I am having difficulty articulating?

Am I ready to get naked?

Inventory: in case you’ve had to “let go” sometime, too…

Here is a list of things that I am letting go of, or things that are being ripped from me, or things that are just dissolving.

I’ll start with the hardest one, first. That’s my family.

My Grandfather is dying.

He is my last grandparent… I grieved every one, because I used to belong to a family. We all had our places, and our roles, and our dynamics.

I don’t think I’ll ever see him, again.

(you can imagine a crying emoji, right here.)

A whole bunch of stuff happened ~ I don’t really want to talk about it, but *I feel* like my mother shut me out. To go through it alone, or whatever. Soon, she’ll have no parents left.

So, even though I really wanted to see him, I had to turn toward myself; the most difficult and unnatural state I’ve ever been in. But that’s what it’s come down to, unfortunately. And I suddenly feel like not helping anyone, again. I could never have imagined that – ever – in the past.

But I seem to have reached the age where, “Life stops giving you things and starts taking them away.”

The Second thing, is Me.

Letting go (again), of me.

I will be 35 in a couple of months, and that’s about middle age. (unless you’re a Taoist, in which case: just a baby!)

– but that might be the problem.

I think I have to grow up and change.

Since my family has dissolved, I grieved this same thing, three times, before – and now a fourth.

And that is: I feel really sad that my family never got to meet anyone who Loved me.

Because I’ve never met anyone who Loved me.

Out of everyone in my family, I never got to bring anyone to Christmas.

– there’s a lot in there.

But, it’s time to face some facts, and accept some realities;

Being an astrologer, keywords such as “dissolve”, and “family”, might indicate Neptune in the 4th House… that would be correct. Twin my South Node: everything I ever was.

Out of everything I’ve read, I really appreciate the no-bullshit approach to case studies.

This includes the South Node in Cancer or the 4th House.

Someone (probably a Sagittarius) aptly said:

“Let’s face it; if you have South Node in Cancer or the 4th House, having a family just isn’t going to work for you.”

The reason for that, is that the focus is all in the opposite direction; worldy affairs.

So my two-and-half thing, is I’m letting go of my youth.

“…it’s time to put childish things aside.” ~ Dr. Robert Doback

The Third thing, is my Rosemary Plant.

(you can read about her brief life a few posts, below)

The reason (one of), that I am leaving here.

And I don’t feel so protective of this story – my mad, soon-to-be EX friend.

He has Moon in Capricorn, can I get a: “DOMESTIC CONTROL”?!

Seriously: WHO HAS TIME FOR THIS?

I feel like I’m in a frat house, with some kid who’s just moved out of home for the first time, and does NOT know how the real world works.

I am feeling murderous… over the smallest things.

He is the most controlling person I have ever lived with.

As such, *this* whole “thing” was aborted, and is a bit of a bloody mess, currently.

The short version, is that he was recently diagnosed as schizophrenic, and maybe I should pay attention to that.

He dug-up my symbolic Rosemary plant that I planted, on the Sagittarius Honey Moon.

I planted her, because my family was dissolving. I feel like I have no roots, anywhere, and if I pay close attention, I can see the signs:

The Fourth Thing, is my Privacy.

(again. I let go of a bit of that in my first book; I was really The Witness, there)

My only direction, is to go public.

North Node in the 10th House.

I just have to go out, rather than in.

I am learning to drive so that I can be inside and outside, at the same time.

According to everyone, I can drive; but I like someone with me… 4th House past doesn’t get to have that.

Usually, i separate my public life and my deeper, private self… but what the hell:

Emotions for Everyone!

So… I’m not sure whether to pay attention to the loss – to *feel* my way through it – or to take another dose of homeopathic ignatia…

Currently leaning toward that latter.

And I am thinking of the saddest things…

Just all these awful memories of loss, that I won’t go into, here, but they will sort of be in one of my new books.

Mixed with foreign tears that echo someone else’s sadness…

Being a empath is really confusing; I never know whose sweet tears are falling down my face…

I had “hoped’, that Jupiter approaching my Moon might bring a stroke of Luck on the Homefront; but i was aware that it may just mean BIG. EMOTIONS. Which seems the case; with a New Moon, to boot. RESET. And of course, that’s all just EMPHASIZED.

In the 9th House, though, I REALLY want to write. A lot.

The Last thing, is my Town.

I just don’t belong here, anymore.

So, Thank You, Tom Waits, for vibin’ on me, for *feeling* like “Home”, and for inspiring one of my new projects, coming soon.

And thank you for reading – it felt good to get it all off my chest.

In this clutter of projection, writing is one of the only things we have left to get a ‘really good look” at ourselves. Hopefully, reflected in each other.

Until then; Hold On, says Tom-who-Waits…

They hung a sign up in our town
“if you live it up, you won’t
live it down”
So, she left Monte Rio, son
Just like a bullet leaves a gun
With charcoal eyes and Monroe hips
She went and took that California trip
Well, the moon was gold, her
Hair like wind
She said don’t look back just
Come on Jim

Oh you got to
Hold on, Hold on
You got to hold on
Take my hand, I’m standing right here
You gotta hold on
Well, he gave her a dimestore watch
And a ring made from a spoon
Everyone is looking for someone to blame
But you share my bed, you share my name
Well, go ahead and call the cops
You don’t meet nice girls in coffee shops
She said baby, I still love you
Sometimes there’s nothin left to do

Oh you got to
Hold on, hold on
You got to hold on
Take my hand, I’m standing right here, you got to
Just hold on.

Well, God bless your crooked little heart St. Louis got the best of me
I miss your broken-china voice
How I wish you were still here with me

Well, you build it up, you wreck it down
You burn your mansion to the ground
When there’s nothing left to keep you here, when
You’re falling behind in this
Big blue world

Oh you go to
Hold on, hold on
You got to hold on
Take my hand, I’m standing right here
You got to hold on

Down by the Riverside motel,
It’s 10 below and falling
By a 99 cent store she closed her eyes
And started swaying
But it’s so hard to dance that way
But it’s so hard to dance that way
When it’s cold and there’s no music
Well your old hometown is so far away
But inside your head
There’s a record that’s playing
A song called

Hold On
Hold On
Baby, gotta hold on
I’m standing right here
You got to hold on