*…At Your Service…*

Why Do We Want To Die?

I need to write my suicide note – before it’s too late. I get close to that moment, and each time, it becomes more ‘reactionary’, than conscious, measured, and deliberate.

Or, I could just write a book; like Sylvia Plath.

(whom I’ve actually never read)

Sometimes, these “hysterical women” of the past, undoubtedly suffered CHILDhood rape abuse; from adult-male incest and paedophilia. There was nothing inherently wrong with these women, before, it’s just that their life-spark had been murdered inside their tiny bodies. Anyone starving for light knows the damage this does.

Something feral and frothing comes…

These human beings needed their life-spark to kindle their dreams, and blaze the path of their destiny.

Girl, Interrupted.

Sometimes, it was old medicine – like Mercury poisoning, from fillings.

Altered internal chemistry, from the external environment.

Balance is Zen.

I believe Osho called it: “Lifedeath”. They are not separate things. He wanted to die, too, while he was alive.

Psalm Isadora did.

Why we want to die, teaches us how we want to live. We should talk about it.

Do you ever have that moment, when you decide you want to die, but you also think you should tell people ‘why’ – and then you’re like: “I need to write a note – but I also need to die!”

Then you get caught-up in the see-saw of which side will win, today… I hit that spot, often. Like, I’m used to it now. Sometimes I think, that I will really get bored of it, one day. The oscillation.

The note.

People often cry when someone they Love, leaves willingly, and they say: “Why, o why, did you choose a permanent solution to a temporary problem?!”

There is nothing temporary about my problem. Rape, and Homelessness, in the Kali Yuga.

I also realised, recently, that rape and homelessness are not personal problems.

And that’s where I hit my wall – only I didn’t know why.

There is nothing wrong with me; these are not personal problems – they’re global.

What’s wrong with me, is my inability to accept them.

“It is no measure of health to be well-adjusted to a profoundly sick society.” ~ Krishnamurti

CBT assures me: “It’s not happening now.”

But it is… somewhere in the world – my world – and I’m still homeless; it’s been 7 years. That’s always happening, now.

And it is always happening to me, because I am a Universal Person, merged with All.

Global problems are/become personal problems.

Every time I rent a room, the House gets demolished to build unaffordable apartments.

So I did a few sensible things… I realised I’d never be able to afford a house “of my own”, so I decided to apply for public housing in my city. Patiently. Until I hit crisis point, and ended up in a women’s shelter, where I was put on the “Emergency Housing Waiting List”. FOUR years ago.

They told me it would be a two-year wait.

Of course, it’s so strange, that a couple (two-people) could rent a one-bedroom apartment for the same price as an individual (one person). Financially, we are forced to co-habitate.

My soul is terribly out of sorts in this MAYA; I am so used to Tribal Lore and Unity Consciousness. Wtf is this insanity?! I ask myself, at least once a day. Not to mention: WHERE DID ARCHITECTURE GO

I actually cry at that; boxes have replaced The Sacred Geometry of “building”.

“Homeless chic; the upgraded ‘Cardboard Box’.”


*top left: a cross between a bullet and a penis, raping and threatening the Earth.

*top right: mentally-ill shaped upgraded cardboard boxes

*bottom left: classic Art Deco apartments, that just need a fresh coat of paint. Curved, like the eye, and ready to party and celebrate life! Adorned with green palms.

*bottom right: Art Deco apartments, Florin Court. Kind of monstrous and gloomy, but INVITING, and hypnotising… you can’t take your eyes off the full photo. Red-brick might have been nice… Makes walking down the street an adventure – not a funeral procession.

I am so used to having a Holy Place; a Temple, where I make sense.

Somewhere I have context, and am valuable.

Being a Holy Woman, I am very receptive to Akasha, and this is not a very ‘yang’ thing… it’s very Yin. And yin is unslaveable. Slaves are always ‘doing’.

I am not a good slave; I Love to serve.

Divinity, only, tho. I will completely ignore your ego if it dare look at or talk to me.

Sensibly, without a Temple for my Holy Flesh, I also realised I needed shelter, so I bought a van to live/sleep in. Shelter. Even though I can’t drive it.

– long story I could never repeat.

Ended up with C-PTSD from recurring rape, homelessness, and loss – most of my people, I lost to heroin and mental illness, one after the other. This is how they escape earth.

Come to think of it, maybe I’m doing well.

At least I am present with my suffering.


(I can’t always crop 4 u)

Being present, sensitised, and Holy, why would I wish to remain in a semi-permanent Maya, where my body is consistently tortured?

I just want to sleep.

Real Enlightenment – as illustrated by this gentleman – is described by me, thusly: “Enlightenment is, to: Go away. And then come back.”

There is a secret in there, only for enlightened beings.

I try to explain as much as I can so seekers and ignoramuses don’t feel left out, but secrets are ‘discoveries’ – I could try and tell you, but you will never knowledge it.

The Secret is found when you “go away”, and you come back with it.

Anyone who does not come back, I say, has abandoned her; abandoned reality.

It is his choice.

I am present with my suffering. Which is caused by Man. Who is the patriarchy. Who is the one-world government. Who is Yang – ‘doing/action/force’. Who his men, himself.

Because my body is female.

He is the only idiot, here.

Why would I not want to die, when I Loved him so, and he is… not really here.

He is raping and pillaging the women and the earth – including me – or he is knowingly/unknowingly supporting the men that do. Working for them, even, when they could be working for me. For us.

I have vision, and blueprints – but no resources. They’ve all been stolen by the patriarchy. The minds and bodies of men, and the land, herself. Earth.

I send out distress signals, that is all.

Yang designed men this way; good for labours of Love.

Of course, there are exceptions to the rule; everyone is everything, dancing.

Unless, of course, they’re not.

He is abusing or neglecting me, and I did not come to Earth to be ‘alone’. Nor did I come to be monogamous. I came to Love all beings. Which does not mean sex.

And he violently strips me of my skin, when my nature is to unveil.

And he grips my throat silent.

Sometimes my eyes pop, drowning in Salt Water, like juice squeezed from life’s burgeoning oranges…

I can call on Durga, but I can’t make him let go.

Sometimes everything goes hard, brittle, and black, and he snaps my neck, and I flop dead.

Don’t make me tell you what he does to children.

The Last 2000 Years

Do you remember when people asked you what you’d do if you won a million dollars? As if that was some life-changing amount!

These days, you couldn’t even buy a house.

I think, maybe, the movie mother! is my suicide note.


She represents the Archetype of Cancer, naturally. But that’s all I’m going to say. I might review it in its own post, someday.

Watch it when I’m gone; think of me.

I am repeatedly murdered, anyway. Here.

What about you; why do you want to die?


14 responses

  1. No my darling….elven friend I’m aware of your pain and I’ve had so much dishonesty and terror and disappointments but I never wish to die…I want to thrive, keep growing, keep evolving, fight back 2000000000 times as hard and see karma unfold…I’m resilience…I’m forever Eternal 300 years on this earthplane but my body and DNA will continue to be reborn…remain and regenerate itself because my being commands and demands it…I’m reaching into the earth and ether for sustenance I thirst for new life I don’t want to die I wish this fever to grow within you and fight tooth and nail for you to claim what is yours…don’t let any being steal your light you are light and meant to be upheld forever…

    August 12, 2018 at 4:04 pm

    • That sounds nice… 💕
      It must be nice to *want* to live, and thrive, and fight.
      I want to live better; something in memory knows better ways.
      The gravity here is heavy, and the light is too harsh…
      I don’t have the energy, fire, or desire to fight.

      I think you have an Aries Moon? What a firecracker. Inextinguishable.
      I have no Aries.
      (It’s in my 5th House, so I Love, have fun, and play with Aries, but otherwise, Aries is dormant within me.)
      I am Neptune, drowning.
      I’m having a 14 year Neptune (loss) Transit in my 4th House (Home).
      I have Neptune Rising; making it somewhat permanent.

      Love you. 🍩🍫🍭🍮🍧🎂🍦

      August 12, 2018 at 4:20 pm

  2. Coyote from Orion

    My experiences have similarities though being male I have reached that point where other men (who publicly preach diversity etc…) have called me “…faggot…” etc… when opportune for them one on one. Never underestimate the ability they have to wear masks. The Song remains the same…
    Because I have physical health and martial experience they won’t actually do much…. just bitch like hyenas. I was pensioned off years ago and because I look after my health in Hell, I volunteer to justify my pension which seems to anger the great man who gets ever more entitled to drunken conformity. It really is amazing how nasty the hypocrites can be yet also so gutless. They would have died if they went through what I went through when I was 18. They would give up the ghost if they got put on welfare and couldn’t take a female hostage.
    Take care friend. You might find that you have helped someone before and are underestimating some good you have done and continue to do.
    Good deeds in principle cannot be erased.

    August 12, 2018 at 5:44 pm

    • You’re a true champion, Coyote. You truly have survived so much, and I’m glad you feel there is some exchange for the work you do.

      I’m just watching my dreams die, and making peace with that.

      It’s great to have a friend in Hell.

      Peace and Love.

      August 12, 2018 at 5:51 pm

      • Coyote from Orion

        One day at a time. I don’t like telling people to hang in there because they might take it the wrong way 🤨😈Look after yourself… and sincerely, thank you 😇😿

        August 12, 2018 at 5:59 pm

  3. I think he failed to mention homelessness, finances, and loss.

    I know a guy who hung himself from financial distress.


    August 13, 2018 at 6:11 pm

  4. Pingback: CENSORED | *~ Practical Magic ~*

  5. AB

    I’m a man in my 40s. I was repeatedly raped by my mother, several older cousins, and a next door neighbor–all older women–when I was between the ages of five and 12. One Thanksgiving at an aunt’s house, an older visiting cousin shoved me into a closet next to where the adults were eating (but out of sight) and gyrated on me while holding her hand over my mouth. When it was clear I didn’t enjoy it, she ridiculed me and turned the other kids against me. Another time, while playing at an older girls house, she jumped on me trying to simulate sex. I tried to get her off me. Her mother saw and BEAT ME as she threw me out of her house. I was too frightened to tell anyone.

    I tried to get help but no adult believed me. One school counselor told my mother. That day when I got home, my mother stripped me naked, held me in front of a full-length mirror, and beat me bloody with a metal-studded belt. I’ve been suicidal since I was nine. No therapist or drugs have ever helped me. Because they can’t give me what I need.

    I joined an online support group last year. I posted my story. No one commented. Not a single comment. But the person commenting after me in the thread I started posted that she had also been raped as a child but had gotten lots of help and support. While not a single person commented on my honest recountings, the woman who posted after me by only minutes got SCORES of sympathy posts. People even offered to email or text her if she ever needed to talk. And next to her name were oodles of hearts and other supportive emoticons.

    I didn’t expect being ignored and even disbelieved again after all these years could be so traumatizing. I left that support group because, despite giving tons of support, I got absolutely none in return. I guess not all rape victims are worthy of support. It amazes me that humans who already know the pain of bigotry and abuse can have so little compassion for sufferers of … bigotry and abuse.

    July 8, 2019 at 4:49 am

    • I will always support rape victims.

      It sounds like your family was really fucked in the head; it’s toxic, at the root.
      And it sounds like you, yourself, are *not* fucked in the head.

      I would never ask you to find sympathy for your mother and abusers, but in order to be that abusive, they must have been abused themselves – perhaps from religious organisations, trusted adults, school, orphanages, attempted genocides, inbreeding… who knows how far-back the poison is.

      And being that they’re fucked in the head, and you’re not, they continue those patterns of abuse. Unintelligent people (and children) ACT OUT TRAUMA. They project it OUT of their bodies, and onto others – trying to get power where they lost it.

      You don’t belong in that family.

      Understanding that your abusers are toxic at the root is important for knowing that your abuse was NOT personal, and not about you – no one attracts rape, deserves rape, nor asks to be raped; rape is an ACTION. A doing. Done by a rapist. It’s YANG.

      As for the “support group”, groups can be cliquey, and if most people have been raped, harassed, or assaulted by men, they might have trouble identifying.
      Don’t worry about them; they’re probably insincere, anyway.

      I’m not afraid of your darkness, and I like to help the unhelpable; therapists are very one-dimensional, in my experience.
      Here is a free book I made that you can download immediately, if you like: How to Make Your OWN Medicine.
      It’s about Healing at the Root; so I suggest you choose a flower that reminds you of what a Mother SHOULD be like – not one that reminds you of yours.

      You said:
      “…Because they can’t give me what I need.”

      What is it that you need?
      I’ve found Homoeopathy to be HIGHLY underrated; it’s helped me, more than anything. I suggest finding a good one.

      ❤️👈 For You. 💐

      July 7, 2019 at 8:21 pm

      • AB

        @Iris Thank you for your compassion and support. I’ll read your ebook tonight. Thanks-thanks-and-thanks. 🙂

        July 10, 2019 at 12:07 am

      • 🌴❤️🌺❤️🌺❤🌴

        July 10, 2019 at 12:13 am

  6. Sometimes I want to die because humans are so animalistic; and I’m not.

    It makes everything I do feel futile.
    It makes me feel alien, and alienated.
    My psyche is so isolated.

    I met a legit clairvoyant on my birthday, and in her reading she said “You *are* a Galactic Visitor…” and “They’re showing me 12 Chakras, instead of 7 – you really are Galactic Consciousness.”

    And I must say, it felt nice to be *seen*.

    But it still doesn’t help me on earth, when no-one speaks my language; doesn’t understand what I’m saying – and worse: don’t want to know about human potential because most people are animals, following their noses, or the flashing lights of casinos and notifications.

    And they’re not the cute-kind of domesticated petimals – they’re mostly just feral and will kill you for a sandwich.

    February 17, 2020 at 2:14 pm

    • AB

      Iris, I empathize with a lot of what you’re saying. I grant that different people have different perspectives of morality, but the ways we humans are allowed to treat each other–and the inability of law enforcement and the courts to do anything about it (or their disinterest)–can make you just want to give up. No wonder so many people much prefer their animal companions to other human beings. You’re right: “… [they] will kill you for a sandwich.”

      February 17, 2020 at 10:45 pm

      • Thanks for your empathy, AB. 💔

        Perhaps I should think about getting a dog….

        February 18, 2020 at 9:03 am

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